I've come to dislike a lot of things.
But instead of naming them all, or even some, I'll just say why I've come to feel how I feel. After all, the real truth is not in how things are, but how they came about.
For the past year and a half, I don't think I've harbored any more than two or three grand aspirations. In my own mind, I'd been so focused on just getting through the day and the various little peaks or valleys that came along with it. It was predominantly logic and efficiency, and the avoidance of pain. But in the end, that left me with a year and a half's worth of experiences that really didn't mean a whole hell of a lot. I ventured little and gained little.
I also noticed that no matter how funny you are, people, in the end, don't really give a shit. I know a lot of smart bullshitters in the comedic realm, but I can guarantee if you get any of them drunk enough, they'll admit the same. If you aren't making (most) people laugh, or entertaining them somehow, they lose interest real goddamned quick. Hell...I've had shows that went so fucking well even my cheap ass would have paid money to see them...but you know what that
comedy got me, in terms of attracting excellent people or getting closer to those grand aspirations?
Nothing.* I got a few good evenings or afternoons of dicking around with friends...which isn't bad, but doesn't exactly feed the soul.
Which is somewhat ironic, as I've re-examined those grand aspirations, the things I love that feed my soul, and they aren't that particularly
grand. They're really just about getting
basic needs met. Having accepting and encouraging friends, finding romantic love, finding a purpose in life...these are all elemental human needs I must fulfill in order to achieve contentment.
Which is why I haven't been content in the past 1.5 years; needs, not to mention wants, have been unfulfilled. And it's only because of fear.
I've been afraid of a lot of things, from the very specific to the very meta-human. I've been afraid of things varying from wearing military uniforms in public for fear of being crucified by a band or roid-rage brodawgs to actually getting my needs met, but having it taken away shortly thereafter. Mainly, I've been afraid of being personally forthright and being emotionally deep towards others.
Both fears are, I believe, pretty goddamned telling. Something as simple as being able to wear what you want to wear without fear of reprisal is one of the most key securities in life; presentation is so important in our society, and if I know that solely by what I'm wearing, I'm going to alienate most of the people I meet...well, that makes me a little weary about both expressing who I am, and putting in the effort to relate to others.
As for the fear of contentment...I gotta say, that one hit me unexpectedly. It runs counter to logic...but lo and behold, there it is. I, and I believe many others, are afraid of getting what we've always wanted because we know what it's like to live without it, and never, ever want to go back. One would think that we'd be, by now, so willing to openly express our emotions that it'd be bursting at the seams. But that's not the case at all...we know that no matter what, we can rely on ourselves to make our solitary lives as content as possible...but putting faith in others, that they'll put in just as much work as you will...
fuck that. There's no worse feeling than achieving fulfillment, and having it taken away by forces beyond your control.
Because of that fear, however, I've rarely reached out to anyone, or at the very least, expressed the full scope of who I am in a public sense. Instead, I've most often presented myself as an asexual semi-Victorian funnyman with a penchant for theatrics.
Well, what about
deep emotion? What about
experience? What about
expression? What about
sexuality? Concealed and hidden, left to specific places and singular moments.
So, I resolve to be fully myself more consistently, and in turn will attract people who see, encourage and love all I can be, instead of the traits they like the best. Thereafter, I'll be more motivated expect the best, and to stop apologizing for being who I am to naysayers or strangers.
I read a study recently that said, based on criteria of getting personal needs and wants met, only about 15% of the population is really
happy. Which fascinated me...I've always wondered why most of the people I meet are so...
transitory. I wondered why I was okay with giving them a half-assed effort, or why they only had about ten minutes' worth of interesting conversation...or, more pervasively,
why I'm uncomfortable around them. Hell, I might not be the most charismatic fellow, but I know where I'm coming from, and rarely feel
awkward in public.
Well, it's because most people are uncomfortable around
themselves. Most people might be able to fool most other people, but goddamnit, I sense it, and quite honestly, it makes social interaction a little fucking creepy. They don't want to face the depth, and they sure as fuck don't want you to, either.
It took me a long time not to be angry about this, or even disappointed. Fortunately, I'm at a place in my own self-development where I know that others' discontent does not entail
my discontent, but shit, man...that doesn't make it any easier to meet person after person, only to see within them the same defensive, scared kid I was a few years ago.
Hmm...there wasn't an over-arching point to this, other than a psued-public reminder to myself to fucking relax, be myself, and have faith in the outcome. And as for you, dear reader (if you think the above applies to you, which it probably does)...just know that there are individuals out there who can see your fear. They can see through the bullshit presentation to the chaos that lies beneath...and for your sake, I hope they'll know how to handle it.
For a long time, I didn't...but I'm learning. I know that in my past, people saw my fear but didn't know how to approach it. So, the process continued, and I kept being afraid until I got so sick of being a follower I just
started speaking my mind. Keeping it in any longer would have led to sheer insanity.
But right now, I want to be an attractive personality, not to anyone and everyone, but to other inwardly-content people who are looking to stake their claim in the public sphere. I want to attract people who consistently know who they are, what they want, and have the maturity and self-respect to achieve that for themselves, and the empathy and compassion to bring that out in others.
As I become my own personal, spiritual, and social leader, those I value the most in my life are fellow leaders. I want comprehending and empathetic souls who know where I'm coming from without an explanatory monologue. All I know is I don't want to go back to being afraid of being myself, or being myself in public...and if I've got to risk other people not understanding it, or people who talk a good game but crap out at crunch time, or bands of crucifying brodawgs, well, so fucking be it. That's what being a leader is...at the end of the day, if you're the only person left, you know you've got the strength to go it alone.
But that, by no means, is a preferred method of travel.
Do what you want, be who you are, express what you feel, and remain unshakable in all three. From there, the world can do nothing but rest in your hands, and hopefully, other leaders will make themselves known.
*This is a lie.